Growing up in my family, for me, was a training ground in, stealth: secret; not openly acknowledged. Staying out of the line of fire at all costs. You see, words were used as weapons in the hands of my parents. When I think of the first, front line assault I endured, I can still feel it in my body, like a sucker punch to the gut.
7 years old, trying to comfort my mom who was curled up, crying in an old blue wing chair in the corner of our living room. Please don't cry, I said. She stopped. Long enough to snap her head up, her eyes, glaring at me, screaming: "I hate you! I wish you were never born! You have ruined my life!" Then return to sobbing. I don't remember what happened after that. Doesn't really matter. It changed me and colored every decision I ever made (on an unconscious level).
From that point on I believed to never expect anything and you'll never be disappointed. That too was a big, fat lie. We are programmed for expectation. It is what gets us up in the morning. Expectation for a future and a hope of happiness. Without expectation nothing would get done. People who have no expectations of themselves or others are self destructive and glowering. I know, that was me.
Oh, I looked happy enough, when I was intoxicated enough. It was all just an attempt to feel good any way I could. Drown out the ugliness I thought. Problem was it too became a trap into the darkness. A deep abiding darkness I thought I would never be free of.
Today I am free. It took a long time and a lot of help to see; expectation was the way out of the darkness. Expecting more of myself. Expecting to be treated with respect. Expecting good things to come when I did the right thing. Most of all expecting, having faith, that God loved me no matter what. He spoke my birth, He created my life to be good and productive.
Fantasizing, expecting, freedom from pain, disappointment, fear and dread have produced that freedom. Free to be myself without apology. Free to love others without holding back. Free to step out and take risks to make my life and the lives of those I touch, better.
So, believe you are who God says you are: Loved, blessed, chosen, adopted, redeemed and forgiven. Believe your words, your thoughts your beliefs on a heart level create the life you live. For the good or the bad, it is our choice.