Thank God!  Some days are good, some days, not so much.  I am definately learning a lot about myself and it's not fun.

Facing my character defects is scary and painful, but I know, down the road, it will pay off in a big way.

Looking in the mirror, is sometimes difficult.  Looking at my behaviour is twice as hard.  I do know it will get better.  Unfortunately, it will take time and continued refelcetion on what is wrong inside me.

Where to turn?  Church, the beach, take a bike ride, crank up the music and dance.  It all sounds good, and IS!  Letting of the steam that builds up inside.

It feels like a stone just rolled over on me.  Just when I start to get my footing, POW, there's a pit.  BAM here comes that boulder.

Once again, pulling myself back up.  Reeling from another blow to my heart and soul.  Once again, on purpose, forgiving someone for knocking me down.

At the same time, I can imagine he is saying the same thing.  Hurting people, hurt people.  Isn't it sad, we tend to hurt the ones we love the most.  Sometimes on purpose, sometimes unwittingly.

Today, my job is to forgive and let go of the pain as best I can.  I know, that I know, that I know, everything will work out for our good in the end.  God is in control, and I am not God.

I have no control over what someone else thinks of me or does to me.  I only have control over myself, well, in theory at least.  When I get blindsided, sometimes the response is so quick and reflexive, by the time I think it through, the lightning has struck.

It is never my intention to dig a pit or roll a stone for, or at, anyone else.  That being said, the other party, most likely, would not agree.

Fantasizing the freedom to breath, meditate and let God do the rest. 

When I heard this quote, it literally made me cry.  As I picture a tiny, little bird straining and working to break through it's confining shell, it's exactly how I've been feeling.  It's painful and stressful and all those things.  At the same time, now I have a visual of what life can be.

This I know, it is a shell of my own making.  I think that's true in all our lives, even if we can't always see it.  I created it, I am the only one who can change it.

I am so grateful and thankful for all the love and laughter I've had in my life.  It's simply time I stand on my own two feet.  Time to grow, learn about myself and the potential I have within me.

Today, I am trusting God to bless us all, as we move forward on a new path.

Fantasizing the freedom to give myself time and grace.

It's been a little over a month since the storm of my life hit.  I am just now realizing, I need time to heal.  I need to stop trying to push the issue, sit back and take stock of myself.

Life is hard, we all go through painful things.  I'm no different.  I am feeling the deepest pain I've felt since 1975.  The difference today is, this pain can lead to good things.

It's time to step back, realize it's not my business what other people think of me.  I know the truth, God knows the truth.  My trying to force others to see it, is not helpful.

Things will be brighter, down the road.  I'm afraid it's going to be a very long, very precarious road.  All I can do now is take it one step at a time.  Give myself to time to heal along the way.

Dear God, you are constantly telling me to trust you.  I am now, and will forever trust you.  Even if I cannot trust others, you have my back.  In you and through you, all of us will be better off in the end.  Amen.

Fantasizing the freedom to step back and re-evauate my  life.

It's in perservering through the hardest times, I have found greater strength.  It certainly doesn't make the hard times easier, it only makes me more and more grateful for the opportunities they bring.

These past several weeks have been among the most painful of my life.  I have cried, I've medicated myself, I've screamed and yelled.  The knot in my stomach has become familiar and my hair is falling out.

As I become stronger, deal better, take responsibility for my bad behavior, I am better able to see past the pain.  See down the road a bit, and hope grows.  Hope for a different life, new experiences, greater peace.

My prayer is; all the pain this situation has caused my family, will serve to make us all stronger.  My love remains, always will.  It's just time for the context to change.

Just like with any other major life change, it is a process.  Much like going into cocoon, enduring transformation, rebirth and the struggle associated with that.  I have to have faith in a bright future for us all.

Fantasizing the freedom to love better, love myself and accept change.

The only thing I have any control over is myself.  Even then, it's subject to emotions, circumstances and many other factors.

Everyday, thankfully, is a new opportunity to do it better.  If any of you have seen groundhog day, it's a perfect example of one person redoing the same day over and over until they perfect it.  Even then, things still go wrong.

I am on a new path right now.  It is strange and uncomfortable.  I'm not always, or even often, doing it right.  It kind of feels like learning to walk all over again.  Unsteady, scary and full of the unknown.

As any of you who know me, know, I am a highly emotional person.  This is a test, a lesson in controlling my emotions, not letting them control me.  So far, it's been hit or miss.  Each day, I hit it better, or think so, then a big miss hits ME in the face.

Sorry to those who've been in the path of it.  I'm aware, and working on better control, kindness and understanding.  While I'm not where I need to be, I'm not where I used to be.  Work in progress.

Fantasizing the freedom to react appropriately.

It blows my mind, how judgemental people can be.  In fact it's usually people who know nothing about your life or your situation.  At the same time, the one closest to you can be the biggest judge of all.

Over the past almost month, I have been judged by people I really love and care about..  Apparently I have no right to grieve a loss, feel sad and anxious.  Ok, I did initiate the change.  That in no way means I'm happy about it.

"They", the elusive "they" keep saying I'm selfish, I'm horrible, I'm arrogant, I'm. . . you name it.  It feels like this: my heart is ripped out, smashed on the ground and then these "loved ones" and strangers come along and start kicking me in the head.

Funny thing how people will label you, judge you, find you guilty and pass sentence, without even asking why, or what happened.  Including the injured party.  Even though I would think they know, maybe not.

How long does one go on sacrificing themselves?  At what point is it okay to save yourself??  Well, I had to make that decision for myself.  It doesn't matter what you think of me, I know the truth.  I can sleep at night, knowing I did my very best.

Of course my very best wasn't always great, but it was the best I could manage at the time.  Know this:  I am not one to judge anyone, think I'm better than anyone or point fingers.  I know this: Everyone has a story.  Most often, nobody else hears it.

Judge not lest you be judged.  If you are pointing a finger at me, there are three pointing back at you.  Your judgement and assumptions about me are more a reflection on you than they are on me.

Fantasizing the freedom to let go of toxic relationships.

It's time to start letting go of all the toxic voices in my head.  I always knew it was difficult to think on purpose.  These past three weeks it's been nearly impossible.

One thought at a time, I will replace the old tapes with new ones.  At this moment in time, I'm okay.  I am now in charge of myself, which has been a long time coming.  I'm also the only one who can make my life what I've been dreaming of.

Letting go of fear, replacing it with faith.  Letting go of anger, replacing it with memories of all the love I've had in my life.  For, I have been truly and deeply blessed.  It is now up to me to be open to new blessings, new adventures and new ways of being, of showing up in the world.

Fantasizing the freedom to reinvent my life and myself.

The time for fear is past.  I am ready to be and do what I know is the best thing for anybody.  That being FAITH.  For fear cannot abide in faith.

It is time to delineate what it is I really dream of being.  That said,  Dear Lord, I am asking in faith, for a fair, loving, resolution to the present circumstances.  I am dreaming of being able to work within my power and still live an abundant life. 

I think about peace, a nice little place with lots of natural light, beautiful surroundings and freedom from yard work and maintenance worries.  I think about living debt free and worry free.  I think about time with my family in a happy circumstance for all of us.

I dream about a pure love, free of recriminations and judgement.  Respect and understanding.  I ask You for your help and guidance in pursuit of a sober, healthy, happy life.  A life where I can love and forgive freely.

I DO believe, for I have seen your hand and heart at work in my life, for many years.  Your faithful servant, AMEN, and so let it be.

Fantasizing the freedom in letting go of control and allowing God to be God.

Well, here we go again. . .looking in the mirror.  I must say, the last three weeks have me crazed.  Not eating, not sleeping, not thinking straight.  Add to that, judgements coming on me that I did not see coming.

Some of it is true, some of it is way off.  For the sake of growing, I'll consentrate on what is true.

I guess I have given myself more credit for "being there" for other people.  As I ponder my reasoning in that area, the only thing I can come up with is the fact that my job consists of helping others, often against their desire.  There is also one other person I felt was taking, way more than giving.

It's interesting how my mind translates that into; I'm there for everyone.  That said, it feels really terrible to have this pointed out when I am in such a "down" place in my life.  Kind of feels like being kicked in the head while my heart is torn apart.

At the same time, as I look back over some of my communications, I realize just how crazy I am right now.  This leaves me with this;  As always, if I have a problem, it's always me.  CRAP.

Looking at it another way, if I created my problems, I can change that.  Or, maybe not.  Either way it will work out the way it's suppose to.

Fantasizing the freedom to be crazy sometimes and coming back from that.