Blog chronicalling my journey to personal happiness and freedom - Fantasize freedom

Luke 6:37-38 37 Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven: 38 Give, and it shall be given unto you, good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men

2/28/2015

It's Saturday morning. A gray day, which I love. It's great to be able to snuggle down on a gray day with someone you love and watch a movie or two.

I am truly and thoroughly blessed today. What a difference a year can make. Everything in my life has changed.

Last night I was privileged to be included in a birthday celebration of a great guy and colleague. He along with his loved ones and our colleagues enjoyed an evening of food and laughed our asses off. The only thing that would have made it better is if my husband, Ed had been able to joined us.

It is true, the love I have given out to these dear friends has been given back to me in a measure that makes me tear up really. So much more than I ever dreamed of or expected. So much more than I've felt before, aside from my little family. I am so very thankful and grateful for all of you.

So, if you desire love or friendship or anything really, GIVE, give till it hurts. Give with a smile on your face. Even if it's not in your heart right at the moment, it will come. For the real joy in life is in the giving of ourselves.

Sometimes I lament the fact that it has taken me so long to get here, then I remember; Everything today is as is should be, everything along the way has been just as it should be. I also must say, my journey has been filled with more love and joy than anything else.

Funny how our brains go to the bad so much easier than the good. When my mind goes to the bad today, I am usually able to stop, take stock and fantasize about the freedom I have today, from those bad things . It is then, God reminds me of all the many, many blessings I have and have had all through my life. AMEN, and so let it be. Love to you all!

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. –Alice Walker

2/27/2015

Power. If you asked me what I desire more than anything, I would probably say power. It has been a theme in my mind for as long as I can remember. Over the years, my definition of power has changed. Evolved really.

When I was very young, power meant domination over my sisters. If we got together today, I guarantee you, the topic of conversation would eventually turn to what terrible thing Sharon did to them when we were kids. Although, I do remember beating the crap out of a kid for harassing my sister on the play ground. Man, did I feel powerful when the school monitor took him to the principle for fighting with a girl!

When I was an adolescent, power meant keeping myself secret and defiant. I kept all my feelings bottled up and most of them involved defiance on some level. I remember meeting a neighbor once, with my family. She took one look at me and said: "My, aren't you the defiant one?". What? Even then my feelings were written all over my face and body language. (It took a long time to realize I was a walking billboard of emotion.)

As a young adult power meant being free of authority. I know, one is never free of authority, but what do you know when you are in your late teens, early 20's. When I wanted to get married at 17, my parents said no, so I went to court to become emancipated from them. (Now, what were you saying?) Of course everyone said it wouldn't last...REALLY? I'll show you I thought. Ed and I celebrated 39 years this month.

Anger eventually became my façade. I was a 5'3", 120 lb. evil eyed, terror. Looks can be deceiving as the saying goes. A friend and colleague, who is afraid of no one and the one other person that I feel was like me in the aggression department. He told me once not so long ago, "Sharon, you are the only one I've ever been afraid of." I was so proud!

Laced throughout all my phases, fast cars and short skirts were always my back up plan. The short skirts have been put away, the fast cars? not so much. The men at work, back in the 90's built a big black truck. It was deemed "Bad black" and I got to drive it often. God help the little old person going slow in front of me, in that truck. All they saw was a shiny, chrome grill guard in the rear view mirror. One day Ed asked me to take it to the car wash. I can still see the young guys' face as I jumped down out of that huge pickup in my high heels and short skirt. He looked down at me and up at the truck with puzzlement on his face. I just smiled, flexed my muscles and said "POWER!" I'm sure he though I was insane. He was probably right.

Fast forward...today I realize the ultimate power is love. Thank God, at the root of me, He gave me a big heart. Big and bold. Rouse "mama bear" and step back. I cannot say it came from me, but I see now, what you fantasize about, you become. All the time I was seeking power, I was also seeking God and truth. I may have had to circle the mountain a few times. Can you spell "40 years in the desert?". But God eventually got deep enough down, to allow me, my dream of power.

You see REAL power is "In the click of your heels" as Glenda the good witch, told Dorothy. Love is power and we all have it at the tip of our imagination. Genuine, deep down love, of God, of self and of others. All others. So, fantasizing freedom and power has brought me full circle back to basic love and respect for myself and all those I am privileged to have in my life.

God will answer all you prayers given the opportunity. "For my God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, above and beyond what you could ask or think or dream." Ephesians 3:20. Most likely not as you envisioned it and certainly not when you envision it, but bigger and better. Lasting, enduring change. So fantasize freedom from the struggle to get power, sit back into it and enjoy the ride.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Dr. Seuss

2/26/2015

Who are you? Have you ever asked yourself this question?

I can only answer for myself. Right now as I sit here, I am white light, red energy, open, knowing, giving and forgiving. I am powerful spirit, eternal.

I am also darkness, for "God created the good and the evil, both after their own purpose". Paraphrased

It is in the darkness we grow. Just as when we are sleeping, our bodies are renewed for another day. It is in darkness, we either become strong or we are crushed. Sometimes both. I know there have been times in my life when I was crushed. Digging, climbing and training, to bring all the pieces back together in a more cohesive way, built me up.

There once was a little girl who came upon a butterfly struggling to get out of it's cocoon. She felt sorry for the tiny creature and with scissors in hand, released it. Much to her dismay, without the struggle to "be born", to dry it's wings and strengthen them for flight, the butterfly, withered and died. So it is the struggles God gives us that ultimately make us who we were created to be. Or not, you are free to choose.
(Parents a word of caution. Rescuing our children, robs them of the opportunity to grow strong. Just sayin')

This I can tell you; You are not:
Your mistakes
Your body
Your role as mother, father, sister, brother, son or daughter
Your job
Your accomplishments

We were all created for a purpose. Fantasize the freedom to be fully who you are with no apologies. Grow in the dark times. Shine in all your glory in the rest.

Only you can be you. In all the world from time immemorial God has created each of us unique. There has never been, never will be another you. So, for GOD's sake, put down the fashion magazines and be the best you, you can be.

Set yourself free to fantasize a life beyond your wildest dreams!

2 Corinthians 5:8 “We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.”

2/26/2015

Dear children,

When the time comes, whether I am old and feeble or in some other way ready, let me go. I have had a good life, long or short, it was mine and I cherished it.

I am ready;

When, I no longer want to eat. Please do not give me a feeding tube, let me go.

When I am wracked with pain and don't know who you are. Don't have surgery done on me to keep me alive, let me go. For God's sake do not have my broken bones repaired. Make me comfortable, love me and let me go.

When you see me gaunt in my bed not wanting to live, please, please let me go.

When my earthly journey comes to an end, when my mission here is accomplished, let me go.

A time comes in every life when it is time to go on. Only God has the right to say when.

It is not that I am leaving you. It is simply a sick body I shed.

I'm not dying, simply moving on to the next chapter in my life. Please, please let me go.

I will save a place for you at the table. When you are ready we will be together again, in all our glory and with our Lord.

So please dear children, love me enough to let me go.

Start with your best. Let God do the rest. Sharon McCampbell

2/25/2015

Today, my best, is sitting here at 7:10 am in my robe, waiting for my tea to steep. At the start of 2015, I had glorious illusions of how great the year was going to be. A fresh start and all that hooey. So far, I've been sick, tired, way up and way down. Hit or miss with my workouts, my quiet time, my diet, my expectations of myself.

HOWEVER, right now, I am okay with all of it. Ed is working on our taxes. Looking back at last year, has been painful. With that perspective, I think this year is going pretty darn well. Quite normal if I really look at it objectively. When I think about where I was at this time last year...well, let's just say it wasn't pretty.

This year the theme is freedom. Fantasizing freedom to be exact. At nearly the end of February I'd say I am free of the need to do each day perfectly. Free of addictions that have plagued me most of my life. Free to start my day late without an anxiety attack about it. Free to say "I don't know. No. or yes!" without dissecting the entire scenario.

To me this is freedom. I do not know where the rest of day, let alone the rest of the year will take me, but today, I am free to be happy with that. Even elated, because that opens up all manner of possibilities. I am also free, to be able, to handle whatever comes down the road. Be it good or be it bad, I am strong and trust myself to do the right thing.

Today is a day the Lord has made, I WILL rejoice and be glad in it...now off to the shower!

Teach thy tongue to say, “I do not know,” and thous shalt progress. –Maimonides

2/24/2015

Be willing to say "I don't know". When asked a question it's okay to admit you don't know the answer. There is a trap waiting for one who always has to have an answer. It is anxiety and self doubt.

Once I can admit I just don't know, the pressure is off. I am now free to seek the truth. Not just a pat answer to satisfy my ego. As Jesus said: Seek and you will find, knock and the door will be open to you. I am constantly in asking and knocking mode.

I learned a long time ago that I just simply know nothing! I may think I know, but chances are, the more sure of a thing I am the less I really know.

One thing I DO know, there is a God and I'm not Him. I spent 25 solid years studying the Bible, daily. Studying and praying every day. That was my ritual. Now, I am full of the word. God speaks to me through it in my heart and mind. Another thing I know for sure is that now, I see through a glass darkly. What I know, or think I know, is but a minute fraction of what is true.

God says: "My ways are not your ways, my thoughts not your thoughts." I cannot think as big as God, no matter how open my mind, no matter how much I study or pray. Here's the beauty, there is always something new and wonderful to discover.

As long as I stay in an attitude of curiosity, I am in a position of learning. As long as I can say and believe, I do not know, I am open to seeing, hearing and experiencing new and wonderful truths.

So, what do you know??

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” –George Eliot

2/23/2015

Sometimes I feel like it's too late. Then I remember, don't trust your feelings, they come and go. Move forward as if it's possible, then see the magic begin. It's just when you're about to give up, the miracle is around the corner.

I was watching a crime drama with my husband last night. One of the detectives was lamenting giving up on a case several years before, because it came up again. Turns out she was on the brink of solving it when she gave it up.

Never give up on your dreams, never give up the fight for a better life. I can remember a time, not so long ago I couldn't see my way out of the dark pit I was in. Today I am not only out of the pit, but well on my way to filling it up so as never to trip into it again.

When your circumstances look dire and you feel as if they will swallow you up, keep on moving. One step at a time, with faith you will come through it. In that famous Psalm, God says: "Ye, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." He didn't say He'd take you out of it, He said he'd walk through it with you. Until you're ready to walk through the valley, you will never make it up to the high places.

It's in the valley that we learn faith, perseverance and perspective. I know, for me, it's been the darkest times that have brought me the greatest blessings. Be willing to look for the lesson in loss, the silver lining around the blackest cloud. Even Christ went through His dark night of the soul. Don't get stuck in yours, walk it out.

If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing right. James 2:8

2/22/2015

Loving your neighbor as yourself can be a tricky thing. When you consider the phrase "as yourself". There is a definite pre-requisite to this command. If you do not love yourself, then what?

It puts a whole new light on the issue of bullying. The fact is when someone hates us, it's really themselves they are hating. The way someone treats you is more a reflection on them than it is on you. It's too bad we don't inherently know this.

I think, even when you know it, it's hard to separate how someone treats you from who you really are. It is a vicious cycle. I feel bad about myself, I treat you badly, you then feel bad about yourself and so on and so on...

I know, for me, it took an extreme set of circumstances for my spirit to rise up and scream; "I AM NOT WHAT YOU SAY I AM!!" Maybe if my life hadn't gone down the extreme path it did, as far as so many people having an opinion and feeling free to share it with me, I would have limped along through life. As it stands, what others were saying to me about me was so outrageous, I had to see the truth.

What is so sad about the entire situation is how horribly I treated myself during the time I believed them. Be careful little ears what you hear. It is hard to let go of ugly words directed at you. It's really hard when part of you believes them.

Be diligent in knowing who you are and who God says you are. Do not allow other people the power to tear you down. Caring for yourself is ultimately in your hands. So pray for eyes to see yourself as God sees you and then act accordingly. So will I.

Fall seven times and stand up eight. –Japanese Proverb

2/20/2015

I've lost count of my falls. I have scars to show for them, some worse than others. The scars serve as reminders of how far I've come and what I've survived. There is no shame in falling, it's the staying down that we should fear.

Each time I've gotten up, dusted myself off and faced the music, I've become stronger for it. I think I've gained respect of those I've humbled myself to and learned some valuable lesson from it. The thing to remember when you are in free fall is this; We all fall down sometimes. That is a hard truth to see when you're hitting the ground in a thud.

Non-the-less, it is true. I think the shame comes in trying to cover it up. Trust me when I say trying, because what I have learned above all else, is that you're not fooling anyone but yourself. Funny thing is there are more people out there rooting for you, very few reveling in your down fall.

I can only speak for myself, but I know that when someone around me falls, I am the first one there to lend a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on. This is true because of how many times I've fallen. I know the pain, the humiliation and the hopelessness that comes out of it. I am certainly the last one in line to judge.

That said, I also know the miracles born out of getting up again. The joy of one more day to grow and learn and be. If I had never fallen, I might be happy. I know I would not carry the joy, compassion and character that have been born through righting myself. From allowing others to help me when I could not help myself.

Thank God for His grace and mercy, they are new every morning and so am I!

- Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

2/19/2015

I slept in this morning. Trying a new tack in my life. Take it easy. This does not come without some discomfort. I know intellectually that I am not 20, 30 or even 40 anymore and it's okay to take time to rest and refresh. In my heart though, I am still a task master.

Growing up feeling like I had to justify my existence stuck. It stuck hard. Of all the changes I've been going through, that is the hardest one to shake. It's not forefront in my mind you see, but insidious and sneaky and shows up through the back door.

Today I am having faith that each time I feel the pull of guilt, I will have the presence of mind to shut the door on it. I may not see it coming, but I am learning to shut it down. Give myself grace. If I don't get up at 4 and exercise, meditate, write in my journal, get to my meeting before work, it can still be a good, productive day.

Off I go, I'll still be to work on time and if I hadn't outed myself, nobody would have been the wiser.

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Author
Sharon McCampbell

I feel blessed to live in SW Florida with a whole new path ahead of me.

I don't have a plan, a blueprint for this new life. Just faith, curiosity and a grateful heart.

I am ACE certified personal trainer, Physical Therapist Assistant and perpetual student of life.

Today I am limited, only by my self imposed judgements.

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