As I look over my life, I realize, the rings furthest away from my inner circle are the easiest to rule. This makes total sense, in that they really do not affect my day to day living. The older and wiser I become, reign over circles, closer and closer to my center, have been conquered.
This past week has been a roller coaster, as my closest, dearest, inner circle has been once again been rocked by death. There is nothing in the world, harder to deal with than the death of a close loved one. I'm guessing, anyone who's been through it, knows, people go a bit crazy.
Now, I mean crazy as in intensly anxious. Well, I used to become intensly anxious when I had to confront my family. Since Tuesday, when this death occurred, the question has been; do we go, do we stay, do we fly, drive? Where will we stay, who's going, what's it going to look like?
Well yesterday, the picture became clear. On Sunday next, there will be a celebration of life at his wife's home, as it should be. It was pretty much settled, me, my husband, son and his fiance' will drive the 950 miles together. By yesterday afternoon, the waters were once again muddied by the confirmation, this celebration was going to center around alchol, pretty much.
This is a big problem for me. In fact the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. SO, now plans are changing. I am feeling anxious. Anxious to once againg tell those involved, I'm not going. For my own well being.
In this instance, I have to take a look at why I put myself through these feelings when it really isn't necessary. Why do I have trouble disappointing others in the face of what is best for me.
A good lesson I think. A hard look at where I am in my growth.
It's time to stand up, without feeling anxious and just tell it like it is; I cannot, will not go to an event that is detrimental to my life. Funny, just this minute, putting it down in writing, saying it out loud, my whole feeling about it changed.
Fantasizing the freedom from anxiety over what someone else will think about what I do or do not do.