When I was very young, power meant domination over my sisters. If we got together today, I guarantee you, the topic of conversation would eventually turn to what terrible thing Sharon did to them when we were kids. Although, I do remember beating the crap out of a kid for harassing my sister on the play ground. Man, did I feel powerful when the school monitor took him to the principle for fighting with a girl!
When I was an adolescent, power meant keeping myself secret and defiant. I kept all my feelings bottled up and most of them involved defiance on some level. I remember meeting a neighbor once, with my family. She took one look at me and said: "My, aren't you the defiant one?". What? Even then my feelings were written all over my face and body language. (It took a long time to realize I was a walking billboard of emotion.)
As a young adult power meant being free of authority. I know, one is never free of authority, but what do you know when you are in your late teens, early 20's. When I wanted to get married at 17, my parents said no, so I went to court to become emancipated from them. (Now, what were you saying?) Of course everyone said it wouldn't last...REALLY? I'll show you I thought. Ed and I celebrated 39 years this month.
Anger eventually became my façade. I was a 5'3", 120 lb. evil eyed, terror. Looks can be deceiving as the saying goes. A friend and colleague, who is afraid of no one and the one other person that I feel was like me in the aggression department. He told me once not so long ago, "Sharon, you are the only one I've ever been afraid of." I was so proud!
Laced throughout all my phases, fast cars and short skirts were always my back up plan. The short skirts have been put away, the fast cars? not so much. The men at work, back in the 90's built a big black truck. It was deemed "Bad black" and I got to drive it often. God help the little old person going slow in front of me, in that truck. All they saw was a shiny, chrome grill guard in the rear view mirror. One day Ed asked me to take it to the car wash. I can still see the young guys' face as I jumped down out of that huge pickup in my high heels and short skirt. He looked down at me and up at the truck with puzzlement on his face. I just smiled, flexed my muscles and said "POWER!" I'm sure he though I was insane. He was probably right.
Fast forward...today I realize the ultimate power is love. Thank God, at the root of me, He gave me a big heart. Big and bold. Rouse "mama bear" and step back. I cannot say it came from me, but I see now, what you fantasize about, you become. All the time I was seeking power, I was also seeking God and truth. I may have had to circle the mountain a few times. Can you spell "40 years in the desert?". But God eventually got deep enough down, to allow me, my dream of power.
You see REAL power is "In the click of your heels" as Glenda the good witch, told Dorothy. Love is power and we all have it at the tip of our imagination. Genuine, deep down love, of God, of self and of others. All others. So, fantasizing freedom and power has brought me full circle back to basic love and respect for myself and all those I am privileged to have in my life.
God will answer all you prayers given the opportunity. "For my God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, above and beyond what you could ask or think or dream." Ephesians 3:20. Most likely not as you envisioned it and certainly not when you envision it, but bigger and better. Lasting, enduring change. So fantasize freedom from the struggle to get power, sit back into it and enjoy the ride.