My issue this morning is; trying very hard to quell my expectations of what today will look like. In all likelyhood it will be a normal day, aside from saying good-bye.
In my head the battle rages for what I really want and what will likely be the outcome. In the eye of that storm I am hearing a ringing of words from long ago.
Thirty years ago, my mom died of breast cancer. She was very young and I expected her to live. For months following her death, I couldn't eat or sleep. Lost a lot of weight, which I wasn't unhappy about, still, I needed sleep and nourishment.
I went to the doctor, who's face is imbedded in my mind and who's name I have blotted out. He very crassly, said to me: "Your mom had cancer, what did you think would happen? You are clinically depressed from unrealistic expectations. Get over it."
So, you can see why I blotted out his name. I'm not really sure if he actually said "get over it", but that's what I walked away with. As anybody knows, who has lost someone very close, you never "get over it".
That said, through the rest of my life, I've tried so hard not to get my hopes and expectations up. As a result, I've suffered many, many self inflicted disappointments.
Coming back to today, I am, as I write this, trying to come to terms with the great possibility, nothing out of the ordinary will happen, except maybe a hug or two. I love the people I work with and whatever happens, will not make me think less of them for simply living their lives. Yet, I know myself well enough to know, the fantasy has already taken root. UGH!
Fantasizing the freedom from disappointment I can give myself with a expecting a little less.
P.S. Here's to believing something great might be in the works! ; } tee hee