My mom would periodically get the urge to purge. When that happened, she would go through the house, dumping drawers, emptying closets and handing out scrub brushes. As I looked around in disbelief, she said to me; "sometimes you have to make a bigger mess to clean up properly.
How true this is. Ed and I have been purging and trying to get organized at home. As I look around, it's hard to believe how much stuff we've already taken out of here. The mess looks just as bad as it did to start with.
I have a vision of what I want it all to turn into and I feel very little control over it.
I haven't had a lot of say in the way things are shaping up or been around enough to help much with the projects, which could be a source of my anxiety.
As all this is going on around, and in me, I am transforming more into myself, figuring out what I want and how to get it. While I lament the fact that it's taken me so long to get this close to the real me, I realize a lot of people never even begin the journey.
The biggest character flaw I have seen in myself is my lack of ability to ask for what I want. Oh, I don't have a problem out in the world speaking my mind. It's only here at home. Feeling out of place in my own space. What's most upsetting is, it's my own fault.
Tomorrow's another day. Time to stop worrying about rocking the boat, put my life vest on and face the rapids. I once heard a wise woman say; sometimes you have to make a bigger mess to clean it up properly.
Fantasizing the freedom in speaking up and being true to myself.