It's been hard to establish balance in my life over the past, almost, two years. I know I've made progress, still it's unsettling. I have always been organized and productive. Now, I feel scattered and stressed.
If I'm objective about it, it's not really that bad, it just feels that way. Then I have to remember feelings lie. Yesterday I wrote about lying and today I realize, I may not be lying to others, I surely am lying to myself.
I stopped listing my accomplishments because it became a tactic for getting away with shit. I think maybe it's time to sit down and not only list my recent accomplishments, but also my many blessings.
If I feel out of sorts, it doesn't mean I am. It only means the changes I've been making are not coming as naturally as I think they should. There's the word; should it's a word of condemnation, guilt inducing pressure, must; ought. It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough, or doing it right.
The truth is, I could be right around the bend from my success. I will keep going even though it doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere.
All of 2015 was dedicated to freedom. Freedom from the shoulds and oughts'. Today, I will give myself a break, some grace, mercy and peace from the voice in my head saying I'm not enough.
Fantasizing the freedom to be a human being today, not a human doing.