I think I said here yesterday, I intended to share my journey in changing my mind with you. The good and the bad. Well here it goes.
People close to me know that I have a tendency to stuff my feelings until they take over my mouth. I've been working really hard to change this character defect and it's better, but, as I discovered yesterday, far from gone. Yesterday, I allowed myself to become tired and hungry which lead to angry.
I will spare you the ugly details, just suffice it to say I let my mind take my emotions down a road with no outlet. I broached a subject with my spouse, that needs to be talked about, in an abrupt and destructive way. I didn't think so at the time, but on reflection, I have to admit it's true.
It has, historically, been very difficult for me to express my big feelings with those closest to me. As most of my friends and family know, I don't have a lick of difficulty out in the world letting people know what I'm thinking and feeling. I believe I'm even able, on some level, to articulate it with some decorum (most of the time). With my family it is sadly not so.
After sleeping on it and thinking about it, what it comes down to is fear. It's been said; people make choices based on two emotions, fear or love. Yesterday fear overtook my brain and I let it fly. (I hate it when that happens!) So, now is time to figure out how to let go of my fear and learn how to communicate effectively with those I love the most. More importantly uncover what I'm afraid of in the first place.
The prime suspects are: Fear of not being heard, fear of conflict, fear of loss, fear of making things worse.
Conflict is something paramount to our growth, but so hard to face in a relationship that is integral to your life. My fear of not being heard is probably the biggest one. It is so because that has been my experience up to this point in my life.
Now is the time to look in the mirror (DAMN IT) and ask myself, what am I doing to foster this condition? Most likely speaking when I'm hot and full of stuffed crap. I can visualize here where the expression "spewing" came from.
To be continued....