Throwing a cup of cold tea from yesterday's pot into the microwave, two starving felines at my feet, I am amazed at what a mess I see around me. It's nothing that can't be remedied in an hour of diligent attention, but what strikes me is, why?
I am so grateful and thankful for the day I had with my daughter yesterday and for the effort put in by my husband, Ed, Mother in law, Jean, Papaw Jack and Daughter in law, Rachelle so we could have it. I don't want to give the impression of an ungrateful heart.
Thank you Rachelle for saving the day. You definitely went above and beyond the call of duty to come in and see that the babies were safe and taken care of. I don't know who was responsible for Panera Bread, but I know the adults got fed as well.
I am simply trying to wrap my head around, years of working, either part or full time, taking care of two children a house, bills, at times the yard as well as sundry other duties and an injured husband and still getting into bed at night with a clean kitchen, full tummies, everything in order for the next day. All this and still feeling like a failure, a loser.
It begs the question; how I could manage to feel like such a waste of space and be something so different than my perception of myself? The job is daunting and for years I wondered why others had such a problem with it. I never gave myself credit for all I did for my family and the community.
All these years it has taken me to finally realize who I really am. A child of God, chosen, adopted, loved, blessed, redeemed and forgiven. Enough. It's not what I do that gives me worth, it's who I am. I don't feel any less love or respect for others not "living up to" a standard (set by who??). Why has it been so hard for me to believe I am worthy of love and my place at the table just because I AM.
Today I do believe it. I AM all God says I am and so are you. We are all here on a journey, I believe, to learn to love ourselves and others. Each of us has our specific path to travel, the destination is the same. I don't know why it's taken me so long to get this far, but I'm grateful that I never camped out along the way. My life may not look like I want it to, but I do KNOW this, my God has a plan for my good and I'll just stay the course and look forward with anticipation at what He has in store.