Faith is necessary, for me, to get through this life. Today, I was looking back over my life. Recalling the good, the bad, the beauty and the ugliness.
My life, in my opinion, has been much more good, adventurous, loving and memorable than not. It's easy to dwell on the bad stuff. The mistakes, the hurt others caused me, the hurt I've caused them.
The idea of noticing the mess, etc. . . sitting in it, until some light comes in sounds good. The reality of it is, you really have no other choice. I've found in the scrambling to make right, a wrong, filling my emptiness with substances just to keep from losing my mind, then REALLY losing my mind, I've actually created the emptiness.
It's funny how the act of trying to fight against something, actually brings that thing to pass. It is right in front of my face everyday. What I think about, fight against, gets worse. Therefore, it follows that sitting back and waiting makes sense.
I know in my heart, everything will be alright, even if it all falls apart. When I was a child, periodically my mother would go into "clean mode". When that happened, all the drawers in the house were dumped, everything from the pantry was pulled out all the lights were on and we cleaned. There were four of us girls and I remember the hours of scrubbing and scrubbing some more. She would say to us; "Girls, sometimes you have to make a mess to put things right."
Hmmm, it's in the midst of clearing the debris from difficult times, mishaps and lapses in judgement, the window is open to let in the light. Been going through a rough patch for a while now. Just now, I realize the only positive thing I can do is, forgive myself and do better. One step, one action, one day at a time.
Fantasizing the freedom to be all I was born to be. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.