I got up at 3:30 am because I wanted to watch the Passion on Xfinity. I did this while exercising. By the time it was over, I started watching the clock. In my mind I had gone through my entire day.
If I get to work by 7:30 I can be almost done by 12, then, get my haircut and only have an hour left. No need to eat lunch, then tomorrow I can weigh myself without fear. . . Blah, blah, blah. Relax. OMG! Why do I do this to myself? What's the big hurry? So, I get home at 2-3 pm. Then what?
I don't have a big date planned, no big project I need to get done. Of course by then I'll be tired and ready to sit down, but so what?
I need to give myself a firm talking to. As I said earlier this week, I was called out on my inability to just relax and enjoy the moment. In my mind, that was all wrong. But is it? Of course not. I am constantly two hours or more, ahead of where I actually am at any given time of day or night.
I don't know if this bad habit comes from being a working mom for so many years, or simply a character defect I haven't deeply addressed. When God is ready to work something out in you, it seems as though it comes at you from so many directions you can't miss it.
I was believing, I was doing well in that department when in reality, I am only now realizing how bad it is. I may not verbalize it, but my mind is constantly in planning mode; "If I do this now, I can do this later. If I start my day at 3:30, I can cram so much more into it and be done early.
Fact is, even if I get home at 3 pm, I still have to cook dinner, clean up and do sundry other small chores. The only thing I accomplish is not getting enough sleep to get it all done.
AHHHH. . .Fantasizing the freedom to slow down and be where I am.