I don't know why it struck me to write about this except, I have a tendency to take on a lot of responsibility. At first, I was thinking about the stress I feel when I need, or want others to be responsible. The problem is I have no control over what anyone else does or does not do. So WHY prey tell, do I jump right in?
Now, the responsibility for my own life I get. I think I do that pretty well. As a matter of fact, to the point of humiliation and pain. That's fine, I reap the benefits of that. It's responsibility for others I wonder about. What is it, about me, that NEEDS to accept it? Am I the only one out there with this character defect?
For a long time I had a false sense of responsibility. Meaning, I felt responsible for people and situations I was not responsible for. It caused me a lot of self inflicted anguish. I have been practicing letting go of that, I'm getting better and better at it. The saying goes, progress, not perfection.
A situation did come up in this past week that did not involve me, yet I allowed myself to get pulled into it out of that false sense of responsibility. I did not create the problem, I wasn't even present when it took place. So why am I getting involved?
Another situation is plaguing me this week and I did accept this responsibility. This time it has the potential to cost me some money. Of course that was not my intention. I was assuming others would be responsible, because I am. Maybe they are and I'm just too busy worrying about nothing.
So, right now I am working on figuring out why. Could it be because it makes me feel important? OR perhaps it goes back to that old feeling of guilt over being born. I think that's closer to the truth. If you have been following my entries, you'll remember when I shared about what my mother said to me as a child. Here I am in my late 50's and, still, it haunts me. The need to justify my existence.
Today, I am fantasizing freedom from false guilt. Freedom from the need to please. Freedom from the need to prove myself, to myself and others. Freedom to say no or the relax and enjoy the times I say yes. This one, I'm afraid is going to take a lot of practice, affirmations and prayer. Being aware is a good start.