Today is my birthday, so this topic is right in front of me, right now. I've always identified my persona, more as a warrior. I thought this image of a warrior goddess was appropriate and identifiable with me.
Bowing down to my Lord, yet powerful and youthful. As I've said many, many times, what we think we are, that, we are. As I got up this morning and looked in the mirror, I saw more than a borderline senior citizen, I saw my inner warrior, goddess.
Most of my life I spent, deep down, believing I was nothing. I was told I was nothing. Well, turns out I'm something. So are you. What that something is, is between you and God.
Over time, as I came to fully see and believe I was powerful, strong and brave, I became that. I actually believe God created me this way. It took me longer than I would have liked to realize it.
It feels fantastic to be physically, mentally and spiritually strong at an age when many are lying down for retirement. I mean retirement in the mental state as opposed to simply coming to the end of career years.
In fact, I have read and studied the Bible over 25 years, nearly every day. One, only one topic I never came across is retirement. While, I, as most of us have wearied of getting up and going to a "job" everyday, I do not intend to retire.
In my thinking, I will simply transition into a different phase of life. The next phase, I will be a motivational speaker. I am a motivational speaker, to a small audience right now.
I've been told; "Who wants to listen to you, you're a nobody." Well, I reject that out of hand. God knows who I am, He has given me many life experiences, education in many areas and charisma. There maybe no human way. No way I can create, but, my GOD is an awesome God and He has a plan for my life, a plan for good and not evil, a plan to prosper me and not harm me.
Should I become old, I can still speak! And speak I will.
Fantasizing the freedom to stay young and speak the rest of my life.
"US Militart suicides ramain high for 7th Year" Gregg Zoroya, USA Today Published 4:10 PM ET April 1, 2016 "The Pentagon reported Friday that 265 active-duty servicemembers killed themselves last year, continuing a trend of unusually high suicide rates that have plagued the U.S. military for at least seven years."
Millenials: According to Lindsey Pollak, Millenial Workplace Expert: "Those who are between the ages of 18 and 34 in 2015."
Parents, over the past thirty years, have gotten more and more indulgent in the raising of their children. They give them everything and require not much of anything. At least this is what I have seen in my little piece of the world.
My children, born in 1980 and 1984, were frequently put out with me and their dad. You see we made them work for what they wanted. We made them do chores and pay for their own mistakes.
Our son started his first job and 14 and rode his bike to work Our daughter I believe was 15 or 16 when she started to work.
I remember slammed doors when our son told us: Everyone at school is getting a new leased truck. We told him no, you will earn half, we will pay half of a reasonable used car. Both our children did earned at least half the cost of their first car and started paying their own insurance at age 18. They also took pride in that. While their friends were trashing their brand new trucks, ours were changing their own oil and taking care of "their" cars.
We as a country are crippling our children in the name of love. If we don't require them to work for themselves. How are they ever going to succeed in the real world? Year after year, our graduates are softer and softer.
I don't care how well they do in school, if they don't have the life skills to take care of themselves or hold a job, who cares what their GPA?
People, let your kids achieve something in life; work hard for what they have. Stop rewarding bad behaviour. Let them pay for their mistakes. They will learn how the real world works, develop pride in themselves for doing so. We are doing them NO favors by coddling and spoiling them.
Fantasizing the freedom hard work and responsibility brings.
Most of my life has been spent people pleasing. Over the past few years, I've been working on setting healthy boundaries. It's been a journey, but the peace I feel is worth it.
Of course I'm not always successful in maintaining my boundaries. None of us has it together all the time.. The important thing is to keep moving forward. It is particularly hard when it comes to my family.
Trying to staying in my lane, I find myself swerving over the double yellow line. When they are hurting or going through something hard, I have to remind myself, this is their path in life, not mine.
It is almost impossible with my husband, wanting to fix everything, take his pain away; I cannot. I recently realized, I was likely making it worse in my efforts to help. What I mean is; how it affected me. I was stressed, guilty (of what??), I was sad, in a negative space. This state of mind is no good to anyone.
I have made many mistakes, hurt many people. One thing I am proud of is the ability to listen to their perspective of me; how I've affected their lives in a negative way. It is so true; the truth hurts, but it only stings a minute if you take it to heart, consider what others are telling you. Acknowledging my wrongs, asking forgiveness is freedom.
I really do, take a look in the mirror and ask myself; are they right? I guess if it's how they feel, it is true in their existance.
The setting free part is in the acceptance of what I've learned and the changing. Changing is a full time job and it takes time. If one never lets themselves hear the truth, take the time and puts in the effort to change, they stay forever in their bondage.
Fantasizing the freedom to hear the truth and work on change.
It's sad to say; when someone dies, the family tends to go a bit crazy. It's part of the shock and awe of it all.
Life would go on for the family, much better, if we gave one another the benefit of the doubt. Also, realized, so many of the things we say or do are out of a mixed up mind.
I for one, know, I've jumped to conclusions, judged others and said unkind things in the heat of anger, grief, asumption and shock. To those who've been the recipients of such ramblings, please forgive me. To those who've perpetrated them upon me, I forgive you.
Our family has recently suffered a loss. As is true with many, is true with us also. Old wounds come up, new ones occur. The fact is, we are all just trying our best to get through it.
Sometimes we simply cannot rally to the occassion. Whether it's our own personal demons, pain or ability to deal, or something we are hiding from. The fact is we are all doing the best we can to get through the day.
None of us are innocent, in general. Some of us hurt each other without intending to do so. In fact 80% of all offenders, have no idea they've offended us at all.
The solution can be as simply as Mind Your Own Business and/or talk to the person you believe has offended you.
We all have a back story no one else is aware of. I will try to honor yours, if I fail, I am sorry.
The fact is, that old rule of reciprocity pops up throughout our lives. Chances are we don't recognize the error as our own in times like these, maybe never. When someone doesn't show up for you, chances are; when were so needed, you failed to show up for them.
Think about it. . .
Fantasizing the freedom that comes with kindness and being true to yourself.
"The full and varied use of My powers of transmutation begin to be manifested when your turbulence is stilled." Ruby Nelson, The Door of Everything, pg 46
The past few days, my husband and I have been under a lot of stress. Dealing with family issues, finally coming to the conclusion, our bodies were telling us what to do.
The stress of thinking about what we were being asked to do, put Ed in bed with gastro-intestinal issues. I have developed an awful rash, so much so, I had to get to the doctor.
During my two way prayer on Saturday, God gave me these instructions. Let go of TRYING and follow my heart. Every time I ignore my gut, I am sorry I did so.
My heart tells me to take care of myself above someone else's needs. It is such a relief to finally "get it", realizing I am worth being first in my life. So are you.
It doesn't take effort, or sacrifice to live in the light of the Lord. Just open your heart, know that still small voice is God speaking to you. If you feel uneasy or sick about something, run the other way.
Fantasizing the freedom to live following my heart and getting to know God better.
"Let go of trying; to figure it all out, trying to fix others, please others, trying to do it all. Follow your heart which is the same as following Me." God
All those years of trying so hard to be close to God. To trust Him with my life. To be good enough to receive His blessings. The quote above was spoken to me yesterday morning during my two way prayers.
When God responds to my written prayer, it astonishes me, no end. He tells me things I would never think about. Glorious things, secret, magical things.
Today I am a richer woman than I've ever been in my life. Today, I know I have what it takes to become more and more powerful than I have ever been. I am learning about scientific proof of how prayer works.
I don't have to struggle to be something I already am. All I need to do is have and open heart and truly believe God has a plan for my life, a plan for good and not for evil, a plan to prosper me and not harm me. I deserve love and acceptance and so do you.
Stop trying to manipulate people do "the right thing", to do what you think needs to happen in any given situation. The truth is, if you have a dream, God placed it there. He also gave you the tools to achieve that dream. If only you could, would really believe you have what it takes. Take that first step and follow your heart. Stay in your lane, trust God to answer your prayers. Let go and let God be God.
Fantasizing the freedom in truly, deeply believing God.
"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion."--Albert Camus
I love this quote. In most areas of life, I feel free to be myself. These days, I am working on conquering the closest realm.
As I look over my life, I realize, the rings furthest away from my inner circle are the easiest to rule. This makes total sense, in that they really do not affect my day to day living. The older and wiser I become, reign over circles, closer and closer to my center, have been conquered.
This past week has been a roller coaster, as my closest, dearest, inner circle has been once again been rocked by death. There is nothing in the world, harder to deal with than the death of a close loved one. I'm guessing, anyone who's been through it, knows, people go a bit crazy.
Now, I mean crazy as in intensly anxious. Well, I used to become intensly anxious when I had to confront my family. Since Tuesday, when this death occurred, the question has been; do we go, do we stay, do we fly, drive? Where will we stay, who's going, what's it going to look like?
Well yesterday, the picture became clear. On Sunday next, there will be a celebration of life at his wife's home, as it should be. It was pretty much settled, me, my husband, son and his fiance' will drive the 950 miles together. By yesterday afternoon, the waters were once again muddied by the confirmation, this celebration was going to center around alchol, pretty much.
This is a big problem for me. In fact the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. SO, now plans are changing. I am feeling anxious. Anxious to once againg tell those involved, I'm not going. For my own well being.
In this instance, I have to take a look at why I put myself through these feelings when it really isn't necessary. Why do I have trouble disappointing others in the face of what is best for me.
A good lesson I think. A hard look at where I am in my growth.
It's time to stand up, without feeling anxious and just tell it like it is; I cannot, will not go to an event that is detrimental to my life. Funny, just this minute, putting it down in writing, saying it out loud, my whole feeling about it changed.
Fantasizing the freedom from anxiety over what someone else will think about what I do or do not do.
I having anxiety, a deep, quiet panick inside. I see good changes happening all around me. Honestly I'm not sure why, now, the knot is forming in my stomach. Could be just the mess in the midst of change.
My mom would periodically get the urge to purge. When that happened, she would go through the house, dumping drawers, emptying closets and handing out scrub brushes. As I looked around in disbelief, she said to me; "sometimes you have to make a bigger mess to clean up properly.
How true this is. Ed and I have been purging and trying to get organized at home. As I look around, it's hard to believe how much stuff we've already taken out of here. The mess looks just as bad as it did to start with.
I have a vision of what I want it all to turn into and I feel very little control over it.
I haven't had a lot of say in the way things are shaping up or been around enough to help much with the projects, which could be a source of my anxiety.
As all this is going on around, and in me, I am transforming more into myself, figuring out what I want and how to get it. While I lament the fact that it's taken me so long to get this close to the real me, I realize a lot of people never even begin the journey.
The biggest character flaw I have seen in myself is my lack of ability to ask for what I want. Oh, I don't have a problem out in the world speaking my mind. It's only here at home. Feeling out of place in my own space. What's most upsetting is, it's my own fault.
Tomorrow's another day. Time to stop worrying about rocking the boat, put my life vest on and face the rapids. I once heard a wise woman say; sometimes you have to make a bigger mess to clean it up properly.
Fantasizing the freedom in speaking up and being true to myself.
"Progress is impossible without change, those who cannot change their minds, cannot change anything." George Bernard Shaw
A lot has changed for my family these past few days. We lost a dear one and I made a decision about my life.
It's not so much about changing my mind today, it's about acting on those desires.
A trip to Tennesse is no small venture for me and my husband. It means driving 950 miles through construction, two lane winding roads behind trucks, and most of severe pain for my Ed.
This time the destination will not be one of joy, but of mourning, so this makes the trip all more taxing. This whole situation, major change, has spurred me on to do something for myself that I've wanted to do for months now.
Two weeks, reducing my work load. Gave notice to my boss to go PRN (as needed), letting go of my fulltime position. This may seem like a happy, easy move to make. Happy, yes, Easy, not really.
Change has been a constant for me in life, as I'm sure most of us if not all of us can claim. I started this career late in life and have only been at it for four years. May 4th, 2013 was literally my graduation day.
School was difficult to say the least, so I am reticent to let go of something I've worked so hard for. What I am keeping in mind, is, it's not a letting go, as much as an adjustment to improve my life.
I'm quite certain, down the road, maybe soon maybe not, everything will change again. Everytime I go with it, it seems to end up better than before, so bring it on.
Fantasizing the freedom to go with the flow and row, row, row, my boat gently down the stream.